Context

I wrote this on May 23, 2018, a time that now feels like a blur. I was fresh out of school, navigating my first job in the fast-paced, unforgiving sprawl of Lagos, Nigeria. After spending years in a quiet university town, the move to the city was jarring. I did not enjoy living there, but I was learning about myself, about work, and about what it means to chase stability in a place that never slows down. I learnt a few things.

Smile for me

So, this is awkward “awkward”.

After I said my morning prayers, I snuggled my duvet for some last-minute comfort wishing for more. I decided to pay great attention to my daily prayers this year… God knows I need him more than oxygen, right now because my wishlist is novel-sized. Although I am never ready for the hustle and bustle on the mad street of Lasgidi, I never miss a day at work for no good reason. Not sure of where to start, I wandered aimlessly around the house for about five minutes until I found my bearing. Aha! Wardrobe first; before then I decided to get my toothbrush. I can’t remember the last time I brushed my teeth in the bathroom! I just shuttle between the bathroom and other parts of the house while I do my thing. I always dash to the bathroom sink only to expel the minty foamy substance into the bathroom sink.

Half-awake and half-asleep, I make my way to the bus stop reluctantly. Before I could make it to the junction, I was wide-awake! Bikes flying out of sharp corners in a wild frenzy, the scintillating aroma of “hot puffpuff” seeping into my olfactory lobes among other distractions reminded me that there is something called reality. I have terminated my cordial relationship with Mama “oni-puffpuff”; I tried so hard to explain that my decision was informed by the need to join the “fitfam” gang but she didn’t seem to get it.

“Aunty, shey e ba wa ra puffpuff ni eni ni?” (Aunty, won’t you buy puffpuff from me today?)

Whether I am in the mood to smile or not, I gather all my strength and flash a wide grin, lest I be misunderstood and tagged proud.

“Rara ma” (No ma)

“O da, ola abi?” (Ok, tomorrow, abi?)

Urrgh! For, the umpteenth time, not tomorrow, more like never, if I can stay disciplined. But again, I am done with my polite explanations on the fact that her daily puffpuff supply is making me add weight because of its contents. On a particular day, she said she had packed it just the way I like it. I bind the devil. I politely declined again.

I made it to the junction after jumping out of the way and eyeing several bike guys. I stood at the edge of the road, waiting to cross to the other side. I looked to my side and saw a very cute little girl. She was clad in her school sportwear which she, more like her mother, paired with cute little pink trainers. She seemed enthralled by my presence (I blush) as she smiled at me. Her mother who was absolutely unaware of our coy exchange was holding her hand. I looked closely and saw her mother holding another boy; he is the same age and the semblance between both children is just striking! She is a twin! Amazeballs! My ovaries leapt quietly.

For what felt like two minutes or more, we were in a smiling competition. She wore me out! I became very shy! Awkward, right? I could not look at her side even though I still felt her intense gaze on me. I stole a glance at some point and there she was still smiling at me! I did not look again. It is not particularly surprising that she outdid me. She is a child; nothing to think about. Anywhere I hear the sentence, “Adulthood is a trap” I jump and agree as if I will be rewarded for that. Hahaha. There I was thinking about the things I had to achieve that day, that month, that year…many pending propositions because of delayed feedback, some dreams deferred due to inadequate resources… at least that’s what I tell myself. lol I cannot smile because I am too distracted, too busy thinking, somewhat scared and anxious, questioning if my hopes and aspiration will come to fruition, daydreaming about how I will stumble into Davido, he will employ me, and I will hammer… U know I always fantasize that a dramatic turn of event that will transform me from a simple girl to a super diva overnight! My head is like a marketplace. I can’t smile for that long without good reason because that innocence is lost already. I question everything, rationalize and analyse things in different ways. In my subconscious, I don’t see the collateral beauty anymore. If the person smiling at me wasn’t a child, I will think of a thousand and one motives, u know? What does this person want? This dude is probably married! Am I about to be kidnapped? If this person talks to me, I won’t respond because he/she must be a ritualist! Is my dress torn somewhere? Is this a happy, bitchy or pretentious smile?

Back to the matter, the road cleared up a little bit and we (pedestrians) scurried across the road. It was hard to decipher if it is the usual hurried nature of the Lagosians or the need to get out of harm’s way. By the way, I hate it when people cross other people’s path while crossing! Just cross safely first and turn in the direction you want to go instead of causing commotion, biko.

As we crossed, little miss cute smile’s mother screeched, “Oya, run fast because of motor car” as she dragged the twins along. They tottered after her as she spoke to a middle aged girl I hadn’t noticed earlier, “Da Maruwa yen duro, aye wa ninu e! Maje je ko lo o! Le” (Stop that tricycle for me, there is space in it! Don’t let it go! Chase it) 

Like me, she was so busy with logistics, she did not notice the emotive moment (I guess) I had just shared with her daughter.

Like me, she had other things to worry about. Punctuality to work, how to take permission from her boss the umpteenth time to pick her children up after school, thinking how on earth did my salary disappear only five days after pay day?

Like me, she needs to stop and smile.

The middle-aged girl didn’t catch up with the first tricycle but they got another one in no time. While I waited for my ride, I watched the girl smile at me one last time as her mother lifted her carefully so that she can get in the tricycle. I watched the tricycle go farther, become smaller and out of sight.

I still wasn’t motivated to smile.